Change is hard, really hard.

Wow its been a CRAZY last few weeks. The last dew weeks have really opened up my eyes and have made me see that I need to learn how to be my own friend. Here are a few pictures of some friends that I have and and some I still have. I have had a wonderful life growing up. One thing that was hard and still is, is learning how to be my own friend. I know in the end Im not going to walk out on myself like most of the people above. I look at these pictures and I know most people would probably toss them. Trust me I have thought about it. But, at the times they were taken they were good memories. They still are good memories. I hate that these people arent in my life anymore. I dont believe in best friends b/c my whole life people have walked out on me b/c I am "different." That same thing is happening again. God always has someone there for me when he knows someone if fixing to do this to me. He knows way ahead of me that its going to happen. I think I am not the type of person that is suppose to have a lot of close friends at one time. I have always had one close friend at a time. Im not sure I would know what to do if that did happen to me.

The girl in the picture right above (in the gray shirt) I got to know about 6 years ago and she became one of my really good friends. We hung out all the time and as time went by she began to change. The big 21 was starting to approach and that meant going out to clubs and drinking all hours of the night. Well she started lying to me and ditching me to go to the clubs so she could drink and all that. Thats one thing I cant stand in a person is when they are dishonest or hide things. Well she became friends with the other girl who is trouble with a capitol T and they decided to move in together. I knew that was going to be bad when I found that out. I told her that we probably wouldnt be friends when they moved in together. That was in July and I was right. I have spoken to her since. She hasnt looked back and hasnt tried to call and see how I am or anything. I find out things from other people about what she is up to and you know I thank God that she isnt in my life right now. I dont agree with her lifestyle right now. Maybe one day we can be friends again.

The girl in the very top picture is my "best" friend. I put that in quotes b/c like I said I dont believe in best friends and this past two weeks has given be even more reason not to believe in them. We have been friends for 7 years. I know that Ashley would do anything for me and I would for her. But, the truth is we are growing apart too. I see it and I have seen it for some time. Im not sure if she does or if she does I dont think she wasnt to believe it. We got in a fight I guess you would call it and its been like high school all over again. I said somethings to her that hurt her feelings. I told her I was sorry for that but it was good enough. We cant seem to move on from it. I am the type of person that I have had some much happen that I move on and dont worry about things. Tomorrow is a new/different day type of person. Ashley isnt like that, I dont know what else she want or needs to be able to move on but I do know that I hurt her feelings and I am really sorry for that. We went from talking 20 times a day to talking maybe 3 times within the last week. I call and call and get nothing no answer or call back. I have done all I can do. I cried myself to sleep last night thinking about us. I always thought out of all people this wouldnt be one of the ones that "walk out" on me. I guess I was wrong, I know God has a plan for this I just dont know what it is. I hate when this happens the pain of waiting to see whats ahead kills me. She has and is getting to know a new group of people and I am happy for her. I am just sad that I dont have my "best" friend around anymore. I always thought we would be friends and that our families would be friends but I guess I was wrong with that one. I guess the hardest part with all this is having so much I want to tell my "best" friend but wanting to go to her first like it use to always be. Its sad that we cant be apart of each others lives. I guess once again I was just a "stepping" stone in someones life till they moved on and found something better.

Sorry for all the ramblings, I just had some stuff that I needed to say. So now I am learning to be my friend. CHANGE I HATE IT AND IT ALWAYS SEEMS TO COME AT MY EXPENSE.